Ok. You need to know this about me before we go any further: I am not prone to exaggeration, and I do not make stuff up(i.e. lie) ... in fact, when re-telling stories, especially when i'm involved personally, I've been told by friends that I generally err on the side of telling a bland story over embellishment. I'll tell you why i do this: It's because i like to tell the truth, and i don't feel the need to sex-up or mythologize a story because real events speak for themselves ... it's also so people will believe me when something COMPLETELY INSANE happens to me, like it did yesterday, on the LAST DAY of my 5 week tour ...

Know these two things as well before you go any further: 1) I'm completely fine and healthy as I write you. 2) I will tell this story verbatim as it happened without exaggerating in the least.

Ok. GET THIS: On August 3rd,2005 I drove from Chicago and arrived at the Detroit/Windsor border about 4pm. I stopped at the duty-free shop before crossing the border and bought a 40oz bottle of vodka for $14 bucks, as any sensible person would. I had to turn my van off to do this. On my return, my van would not start. I had been having trouble starting my van for the past few days, so i had a hunch that it was my starter 'cause i'd talked to my mechanic about it over the phone the day before ... so i called my mechanic, and he told me that way to restart my van would be to hit the starter(which is immediately under the front bumper) with a hammer or tire iron or something like that while someone else was turning the key in the ignition. Simple. So I hang up the phone and proceed to start looking around in my car ... nothing ... then immediately in front of my car is a kinda vacant lot with various junk laying around in it INCLUDING what looks like a long-ish metal tire iron-looking thing ... the only problem is a 6ft-high chain link fence seperates me from this object. No problem. I've been hopping fences my whole life. I'm really good at it, in fact. I can hop a 6 ft chain link fence in about 3 seconds .. pull myself up...aaaand over...all in one motion...i've done it 300 times....

Not this time.

As soon as I hit the ground i know something is wrong. I feel my heel snap. I yelp in pain and fall to the ground. I try to get up but collapse. I succeed in getting back up onto one foot after a few tries ....I'm now screaming in pain, and hopping around on one foot, looking around me and noticing that people are gathering around the area of the fence that i've just hopped ... these people are security guards ... they are yelling at me through the fence and angrily telling me to stay back and asking me how i got there ... i'm confused, i'm starting to gasp for air and feeling like i'm gonna pass out....i fall again....meanwhile one of the guards whom i'd talked to 30 seconds earlier about helping me start my car while i banged on the starter with a tire iron, which i was gonna get "right over there", pointing behind the fence, comes up to the fence...i guess the guy must not have understood what i meant earlier, because this very same guy who was gonna help me start my car starts yelling at me that his job "is to make sure that YOU don't get across this fence".....what the hell was going on??....i began to get really confused and scared, the sun was beating down on me, i was getting uncontrollably thirsty and i was dragging myself through the dirt on my side, pulling myself by my hands to try and get closer to these guys to try and figure out what was going on ...without passing out...my head was beginning to swim and lights were flashing before my eyes like you get right before you pass out....i was laying there on the ground with the sun beating down on me thinking: "Is this really happening to me?....Is this a nightmare?...this is SOOOO Bad...."

....so i managed to figure out that what i earlier described to you as a "vacant lot" was in fact some kind of NO MAN'S LAND BETWEEN CANADA AND THE U.S. AND THESE GUARDS' JOB WAS TO STOP PEOPLE FROM CROSSING THAT FENCE!!.....Ok. I knew I had to try and get my shit together and stop myself from passing out, and get myself back across the fence, but i couldn't walk, i couldn't even get myself back up onto my feet to hop around because i was too dizzy ... so i dragged myself on my side with my arms...i guess instinctively at this point towards the fence, all the while begging these security guys to help me.....they would not...the guy i mentioned earlier, who was some sort of leader rushed away....as this happened, i noticed that a few feet away from me, the fence was not completely bolted to the ground and there was an area that looked like you'd be able to pull it up slightly...i dragged myself over to it, and i was right....i proceeded to pull myself under the fence on the ground, on my back....just barely enough room to get though...luckily the guards who remained either felt sorry for me, or just didn't have the guts to try and stop me....i was lucky i guess....

So there I was, back on U.S. soil from the no man's land ... lying there on the pavement in front of my van, my back and sides covered with dirt, sweating profusely, and gasping for air ... luckily a sympathetic guard handed me a down a cup of water...as I was taking a few sips and attempting to gather some sort of compusure, the head guard guy returned and was REALLY surprised to see me on HIS side of the fence.....he kinda snapped and motioned to the other guards, and they all quickly dispersed without saying a word and i was left there with the one sympathetic guard and what looked like the boss of the head guard, an older official looking lady, who was asking me "Do you want me to call you an ambulance?"

(Flash through a quick mental calculation of the implications/cost of seeking US medical attention)

"No."

I was still lying in front of my van WITH THE TIRE IRON STILL IN MY HAND!!...can you believe it?...through all of that, i had had the presence of mind/instinct/luck/whatever to hold onto the damn thing, and so all i had to do at that point was to pull myself a couple of feet forward under the van and start hammering the starter....the sympathetic guard was turning the key and van started within about 5 hits with the iron. He helped me into the driver's seat and i was off. Luckily it was my left foot that was injured, so driving was bearable. I drove across the border and into Canada without incident. I managed to make it as far as London, ON where I went to Emergency ...

So that's my story.

Turns out i have an "undisplaced fracture of the calcaneous non-articula" ...which means i broke my heel bone ... the doctor tells me that it's a bad break and usually when people break that bone they require surgery, but i won't have to have surgery...lucky....he also told me that the whole gasping for air, being really thirsty, passing out thing while all the craziness was happening meant that i was in shock....i kinda figured that.

Anyway, i've got a cast and will have one for 6-ish weeks, and am hobbling around on crutches ... guess I'll be getting lots of work done for my next CD ... not before i go on a camping trip though ...

See y'all in the fall ...

rob
ps- i really wonder what would have happened if i hadn't been able to get back across the fence? what were those guards gonna do? ... let me die there in no man's land and have the vultures pick my bones clean?